The Caregiver's Perspective: Having the Conversation

Mention "the conversation" to a group of adult children, and they'll know exactly what you mean. It's the conversation you have with your parents when, for the first time, your roles are reversed. It's their future, their finances, and their living arrangements that form the subject of discussion, not yours. It's a conversation that most children approach with some trepidation, knowing that they may be raising painful issues or provoking an angry reaction. 

The good news is that more often than not, adult children will be pleasantly surprised by their parents' flexibility and willingness to discuss sensitive issues. In fact, many parents themselves have been looking for an opportunity to talk about their situation and are grateful when children take the initiative. 

Do Your Homework

Nonetheless, you're entering unknown territory when you approach the conversation, so it's just common sense to be prepared. If you intend to bring up the topic of your parents' finances, you should know ahead of time the kind of questions you need to ask to develop a firm understanding of their financial situation. If you want to talk about housing alternatives, it only makes sense for you to visit local communities so that you can describe the available choices. In short, you need to bring enough information to the table to make the conversation truly productive for everyone involved.

Encourage Give and Take

It's not enough, however, to be knowledgeable about the topic of the conversation. You also need to have a strategy for conducting the conversation. Choose a moment when you won't be interrupted and when you and your parents are calm and rested, and whenever possible, phrase your concerns as questions. Don't try to control the conversation.

If you want to have your concerns heard, it's important that you invite your parents to raise theirs. Begin the conversation in an open-ended way. For instance, you might ask your parents about their biggest worries or the goals in life that they would like to achieve. The idea is to establish common ground, and your parents' remarks might open the door to the issues you want to discuss.

If your conversation is inconclusive, don't be discouraged. You have broken the ice, learned more about your parents' priorities, and have additional information that may help you devise a solution that works well for all concerned.